I woke up with a blank slate; nothing planned & no reason to try. For whatever reason, I felt I must have been taking everything in my life for granted. My natural perspective was skewed to a point of ultimate pessimism, or perhaps I really just was that sad of a person. However, I refused to believe so. Everyone experiences the darker range of human emotions from time to time. We are all human. We are all growing older & we all live in the same moment in time.

I must admit that I am not the most optimistic person, or the most extroverted; I’m actually quite the opposite. I have had my fair share of troubled moments in my life where I was the puzzle piece that didn’t fit, but that never stopped me from changing my outward appearance to fit in. This past Saturday was a collection of all the small moments that I didn’t let affect me & those times I told myself I was strong enough to make it through.

So, I woke up with the thoughts of “what if I was dead” racing through my mind & multiplying into worse thoughts. Those particular thoughts I will spare you of, however I reached out; I told my friend that I wasn’t okay. He told me to write out how I was feeling & sent me photos of my little 15-month year old nephew. I started to cry right then realizing how gloomy the outcome of me not in is life would be & how I wouldn’t get to see him grow into such a beautiful soul. Even from 15 months, I can see his personality and his high spirit. Yet, I kept on crying, the negative thoughts still multiplying. I thought there has to be something that can help change this awful set of thoughts into something positive. I didn’t have the answer, however I had established what might help find it. I got into my car & started driving. I did not have much of an idea how far I would have to go, but listening to music while watching the white lines blur always seemed to be cathartic for me. & It was, to a point at least. After a few hours, my friend called & I couldn’t tell him much of any of the things I was feeling or thinking or what the hell I was doing. I couldn’t tell him because I couldn’t describe it, it was a sort of numbness. I couldn’t feel anything (emotionally at least; I’m a bit of a wimp when it comes to seeing blood.) So, perhaps after a few hours, driving wasn’t proving to be as cathartic as I wish it was, but at least I was doing something.

I had the idea that I would drive until I was tired & sleep in my car. This was my plan until I had passed Yuma, AZ & reached the Imperial dunes in Southern California, where it was 101 degrees at 11:00pm. I didn’t have that much water either, so I drove to the closest town, which happened to be about 20 minutes from the Mexican border. I pulled into a McDonalds parking lot & felt a tear come down my face. Then my face cringed while I was grasping for air.

It happened. I was ugly crying in the middle of nowhere, California.

I broke down, thinking what the hell had I done? What had any of this driving done? Why was this going to make any difference? I wanted to stay in the car & just mope, however I called my friend. He answered to just hear me crying. He stayed silent for a while before reassuring me that everything was okay. Encouraging and comforting me before convincing me that I needed to find a hotel room for the night.

I knew he was right.

We worked out a room to stay in for the night, I was feeling foolish for doing all of this, all the same I thought at least I’m feeling something. After I drove to the hotel & gotten my things out of the 100-degree heat into my room, I quickly started to feel better.

I fell asleep after talking to my friend on the phone, knowing that I would wake up 4 and half hours later so that I could go watch the sunrise in the desert. Something about watching the sunrise & feeling the sun’s morning warmth appeals to me. It rejuvenates me in a way.

I woke up at 4:45am when sunrise was at 6:16am, according to my google search before I went to bed (which proved to be remarkably accurate.) I went to get my complimentary continental breakfast. I had oatmeal. I smiled at the lovely lady behind the counter that had given me my room key a few hours previous.

I then stopped by the gas station that seemed to be owned by Mexicans on my way out of town. I went to the counter with a gallon of water.

“Hola,” he said.

“Buenos dias,” I said.

After that, “muchos gracias.”

I suppose my time in Spain earlier this year had made me comfortable with casual Spanish.

So there I was, driving towards the sunrise, listening to the music that I love. Just like that, a smile crept on my face. Suddenly, it was a brand new day & I realized I had done something about how I felt. I was fighting for my own release of emotions.

I got to the dunes just before the sun started to flare into the corner of my eye. I swiftly started setting up my camera & stripping down because I knew exactly the images I wanted to create. I knew exactly how to capture the moment of isolation, knowing that I wouldn’t feel so lonely afterwards, even if I was alone. I ran back & forth, completely naked & full of sudden ambition to capture something important to myself. I knew that these photos were exactly why I came here and ended up in the middle of the desert. I understood that everything that led up to this point was worth it, which put a smile on my face that I couldn’t shake. There was literally nobody around & I was almost laughing that fact that some twenty-something year old guy is out here ass-naked laughing at himself for being so emotional. 

I am over-sentimental at times, usually pretty moody, artsy, proud of myself, in love with anything melancholy & attracted to those I see a spark in.

It is okay that I am a mess & it is okay that you are a mess. Not many people have their whole life figured out. So be a mess; it means you’re living. 

it means you’re alive.


Today’s the day. The day you help save the internet from being ruined.


Yes, you are, and we’re ready to help you.

(Long story short: The FCC is about to make a critical decision as to whether or not internet service providers have to treat all traffic equally. If they choose wrong, then the internet where anyone can start a website for any reason at all, the internet that’s been so momentous, funny, weird, and surprising—that internet could cease to exist. Here’s your chance to preserve a beautiful thing.)